Telling Others You Have a Transsexual Girlfriend
This is perhaps the most challenging step for some with transgender sexual orientation. The good news? As never before, it’s not as big a deal as it once was - particularly if you wait until you formed a healthy and happy relationship with a transsexual woman that others can tell makes you happy.
This degree of acceptance is a new phenomenon and a result of increased awareness of transgender women. Ten years ago? It was looked upon as like a fetish.
Nowadays?
It will surprise some people but most don’t freak-out. Most commonly they’ll comment: “That’s not what I was expecting but she seems nice and you appear happy: good for you!”
There are two core models for sharing I witnessed - depending upon your circumstances - both of which are successful.
The first is if you “accidentally” fell in love with a transgender woman. In other words? You didn’t know she was a transsexual when you first met her - but found yourself falling for her even more deeply after discovering and admiring her amazing life journey, spirit and beauty. If this was the case? You’re probably dating a quite attractive and very passable transsexual woman. That certainly makes things easier since we live in a world that responds to beauty. As Tim, a 37-year old accountant in Ohio said: “My friends were enamored by her from the onset. They saw us as very happy. Aside from my ex-wife who tried to use it as social leverage? Nobody cared”.
If you actually sought out a transsexual woman for your partner then it's not really fair to her and yourself to hide behind “you didn’t know”. Its like don’t ask, don’t tell: it only skirts the issue.
Most of the men I interviewed on this subject agreed on three key issues. First, give them a chance to meet and know her without telling them. Second, make it clear you’re very happy. Third, don’t make a huge deal out of it. The more intense you seem when you share? The more intense that information will be perceived.
When do you tell them?
That’s up to you. Some guys share such info even before they start dating - just very open communicators with friends and family. However, most wait until they’re actually dating a trans-woman and she’s interacting with the special people in your life. If she’s very passable? They usually wait to share this info until after others have met her. This approach often works best for both of you. As a transsexual woman, it’s exhausting first meeting others when “everybody knows”. It’s much healthier to first connect without preconceived notions or prejudice.
What if she doesn’t want others to know she’s transsexual?
If your girlfriend is almost completely stealth, she might prefer others not know she’s a transsexual. We get tired of being judged before we even first meet someone. Some girls prefer nobody know. However, given the webs easy access to anyone’s personal history - I suggest you both prepare for what you’ll do if her secret is revealed.
Other helpful tips and insights
Some of your friends will now perceive you as gay as uninformed people often view transsexuals as like - the gayest form of homosexuality. Don’t get drawn into that debate. In time, they’ll get it.
A healthy and happy relationship is your most powerful ally. If you’re happy and living a fulfilling existence? Few friends find a problem with that.
If you have problems with some friends or family? Give it time: it almost always passes. Once the surprise is gone and its no longer a page-one gossip subject but rather, old news? People tend to get past such issues.
Challenges making a long term T-Love work
A life-long commitment is a huge and exciting step for any true love. Most transsexual women only fantasize about walking down that aisle to a person they adore.
There’s a few issues transsexual women face in this big decision. You’d be wise to understand them and discuss your feelings with your partner if you want to make this union work forever.
We can’t bear children
Ask any woman whose infertile and you’ll understand the pain of not being able to provide offspring for a committed loving union. Kids provide an important basis to most marriages - a reason to grow and share.
There is no experience quite so female as being a mom. Thus, if I were considering marrying a transsexual partner and there’s not already kids in the equation? I would consider adopting a child together - for both of your fulfillment.
Marriage without the risks - or security
THIS HAS NOW CHANGED!! :)
The laws still sorting out the rights of queer partners in a marriage or civil union - even for post-operative transsexual women and men. From pensions to social security benefits - we’re often left out of the survivor role. It’s not a fun process and can be a point of vulnerability for a transsexual woman considering marriage - particularly if your family is against the union.
Keep these issues in mind if you ask her to take the chance. It’s sometimes overwhelming.
A Long Way Down
Trying to get your transsexual girlfriend to move in with you or change her life by moving across the country? Unless her life is a rescue, you might be in for a tough sales pitch.
Most every transsexual woman dealt with monumental setbacks with friends, family, employment - even homeliness (like me) when she went through transition. When you’ve pulled your life back together from these doldrums, you’re never in a hurry to risk going back there.
When most people take a fall - they can lean on family for support. Transsexual women often lose this essential bottom step for regaining footing. Did you know most homeless shelters won’t accept a non-op transsexual woman? It’s an issue with shower and dressing facilities. When you’ve been turned away from a homeless shelter? You don’t ever want to risk going back to that place.
You can’t ask a transsexual woman to risk changing her life on a whim. If things don’t work out? She faces more risks with picking herself back up. Be patient and try to come up with a plan where you account for these valid concerns.